Learning How to Die

According to urban legend, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Death is number two.¹

I don’t know if it’s true, but if it is, I’d bet that the most dreaded form of public speaking is to stand onstage, alone, attempting to make an audience of strangers laugh. When people say a stand-up comic “died,” they may be understating just how bad it felt.

I’ve been doing open mic nights for a while now, on and off, and I’m here to confirm—as someone terrified of death but not of public speaking—that the form of public speaking that comes closest to eliciting the void is stand-up comedy, performed before a dwindling, disaffected crowd.

I had thought the open mic would be dramatic: you step into the quiet dark alone, towards the spotlight on a microphone, standing at the lip of the stage before an audience, expectant, shadowy and indistinct.

In fact, it’s more like this: you stutter nervously towards an emcee who has mispronounced your name, making the inevitable, awkward coin flip—handshake…